It's a beautiful summer Monday morning. No clouds in the sky, sun is shining, it's about 80 something degrees or so, and right now it's about 11:40am. I've been awake since about 7:30am, got out of bed closer to 8am, but it's taken all this time just for me to get slightly motivated to do something other than sitting on my couch. Today I am tired. Today I am sluggish. Today it is absolutely gorgeous outside and being the summer girl that I am, I want so badly to be able to sit outside and not waste this day away inside, but today is one of those days where I just might have to. Some of you say well, this is me every day. Moms with young kids who don't get to shower until 11am or maybe even 4pm some days or anyone out there who is absolutely dragging because it's a Monday morning after a busy weekend or someone who is just plain tired. Then there are people like me - people who can't control when our bodies might feel out of whack or when their heads feel foggy and they feel like they could sleep the day away. Not because of a busy weekend, but because we've been through hell and back for over a year and a half or more, or less, and we are still recovering and we are on medications that come with added side effects and our hormones are going crazy because they are being shut down, which at an early age, leads to other health issues. We have days like these and as okay as it is to know that this is part of the healing process, to have days where we just feel like absolute crap, it's just another friggin' reminder of everything that we've been through. We just have to remember that, unlike during active treatment, that these kinds of days will be fewer and fewer. We just don't know when that will actually happen, or if in fact it ever will.
Last night I didn't sleep so well. That happens quite often. Not because of anything on my mind, but just for the simple fact that I'm just awake. I think I finally fell asleep somewhere around 2am, had super crazy dreams, at some point my 6 year old ended up in my bed with me and at about 6:00 something this morning asks me if it's okay to get up now. I'm not exactly sure what I said to him, but I think I heard my husband already up with our little guy, so all was good and I just went back to sleep.
Some days when I don't sleep well I'm able to get up and go on with my day with no problems. And then there are some days where I literally cannot move. When taking a shower feels like a chore and when I finally do manage to take one, I actually need to rest afterwards. My head is in a fog all day and I feel like I could just sleep for hours. My body's way of telling me, Michele, you still aren't all healed yet. I know it, but it's hard to be reminded of it. But instead of sleeping, I decided to write because sharing and documenting is super important to me and sometimes to be quite honest, I feel guilty. Guilty for not being able to be with my kids today and guilty for wasting a beautiful day away. Guilty for not being able to do anything I'm supposed to be able to do. So by writing, I get it all out and I'm able to process my thoughts and come to the conclusion, just as I did on those awful days while I laid in bed for days after my chemo treatments, that it is OKAY to still feel like this and it's OKAY to have days like this and it's OKAY to rest still when I need to. And that it's OKAY to still be a work in progress, in every which way. I'm healing and recovering from stage 3 breast cancer.
I know I blog a lot about what my husband and I do with our kids during these still so crazy times and I know I blog and post on social media a lot about how I exercise and how I've been able to lose a few pounds, but what you don't see, is what goes on behind the scenes. Where I still spend a majority of my day sitting. Where even though I'm able to get out and run sometimes, that takes a week of mental and physical preparation to build up to it and then I'm sitting somewhere and resting again. That I can't walk and last on my feet for hours like a could before cancer. I don't have the mental stamina or the ability to concentrate for hours on end like I could before cancer. I have difficulty falling asleep at night and most days I struggle to get up in the mornings. I can't even do my own laundry because I still can't lift a laundry basket and the motion of lifting clothes out of the basket to place in the washing machine is hard for me. Tingling arms and hands aren't super fun either. Don't forget looking in the mirror. Short hair that sometimes I have no idea how to manage, clothes that fit differently because my body shape is completely different now, weight gain that comes with the territory of what I have been through and continue to go through. It;s still a lot. Life during cancer isn't easy and life after cancer isn't a cake walk either. So, with lots of help and guidance, I've learned that some days, all that can be done is just giving in.... surrendering to what your body is telling you. It's not giving up, it's healing and there will be other, better days. It's a hard concept for to learn and to this day, is still not an easy one to accept, but I do it.
Not that any age with cancer is any worse off than another, but I was diagnosed and treated at an early age - at an age where I couldn't just come home to an empty house and be still in quiet. I wasn't able to lay in my bed all day without kids coming in and jumping in bed with me. I couldn't watch TV whenever I wanted to on my couch and just be. And on the days that I started to feel good again, I wanted to be with my husband and my kids as much as I could. Resting as I needed to, never really happened and sometimes still doesn't. Resting without worry. Resting at ease, knowing there's nothing else coming and there's nothing else to think about. Throughout my treatments I still had to focus on being a mom and now life in recovery is dealing with this pandemic and all the craziness that is still consuming our daily lives.
So today, I take the rest of this day to just be. My husband and kids are out of the house, I did some writing and blogging, made a few phone calls that needed to be made, and now I feel at ease to just be. Today I listen to my body and as hard as it is to be reminded of everything that I've been through, today is also a good day to put on my #warrior gear and to remember who the __ I really am.......
Comments