Here's to new beginnings, adventures, and endeavors......

Today was the first day in a long time, that I was able to sit with my thoughts. Alone. I've been alone a lot in the past year or so that I've been on this crazy cancer journey, but during those times, I wasn't capable of thinking straight. The countless amounts of meds taken every morning, every night, on a daily basis, combined with the aggressive chemotherapy....thinking straight was just not going to happen. The thinking I did do was just enough to push me out of bed in the morning. The thinking I did then was all motivational. "Ok, you've got this. Only have to put one leg over the side of the bed and the rest of my body will follow. OK I got up. Now I have to walk into the living room. Ok, what's next?" My thinking was minute by minute. One step at a time. Never too intense, because I was in a fog most of the time for 4 months. 16 weeks. But just because chemo ended doesn't mean my thinking returned. Surgery, radiation, more meds, injections...more surgery down the line...it's been a lot. Being able to think straight doesn't come back so easily. I mean don't get me wrong- I can think well enough to function on a daily basis now and to take care of myself and my kids. The thinking I'm referring to is the thought process of what happens now....

A year ago today, I was a few days away from starting my four months of chemo. My life revolved around doctors appointments and bloodwork and phone calls and waiting. Waiting for the hell to start. Not knowing what to expect, trying to stay off of the internet but wanting to read and talk to others to know what was about to happen to me. What my kids would go through, my husband, my family. How I was supposed to hold myself together so that I could still be a "normal" mom so that my kids weren't damaged from this all. A year ago there was a lot going on. I couldn't work, I couldn't think, I couldn't be me. But what I could do, was what I did do.... I fought. On the darkest days I fought. And what some people don't realize is that even though the "active treatment" stops, as it did for me thankfully, the effects still remain. Some might go away and some might be permanent. So in reality, the "me" that I couldn't be a year ago today, was a "me" that I'll never be again. Yes, I'm still Michele. But I look different, I feel different in all aspects (mentally, emotionally, physically), I see things differently.... according to my oncologist, I'm living a whole new paradigm. And he's right. So just because I'm not being treated with chemo and radiation anymore, doesn't mean things automatically go back to normal. Nothing will ever go back to the way it was. And unless you are someone who has been through what I have, it's very hard to explain.

Learning to live in a new paradigm is very challenging. I'm trying to figure out who this new "me" is. Styling my hair, wearing clothes, figuring out how to manage every day things being extremely fatigued or getting extremely fatigued after being on my feet for an hour. But now its after an hour. Before, it was after 15 minutes. So, there's improvement. But things always hurt me and I have many, many ailments that a person my age shouldn't really have right now. Everyone focuses on the during treatment, as they obviously should, but not many focus on the aftermath. During active treatments your survival mode kicks in. You do everything in your power to just get through it. It's the aftermath that I think is harder. Coming out of that survival mode, getting reacquainted with the real world, pretty much as a whole new person.

I needed time to be alone with my thoughts. To really figure out what I'm supposed to do now. Where do I go from here? What do I want to accomplish. Now that I am able to have some free time, I'm slowly reintroducing the real world back into my life. So today I went to the place where I always go when I need some guidance.... to the ocean. I sat, I had lunch, I walked, I wrote, I thought, I researched and I came to some realizations. I made some goals for myself and the first goal I wanted to accomplish, I did just that. So here I am..... with my new computer, no tv on, a glass of wine next to me (not near my new computer), my feet up, its 10pm on a Friday night and I've got my new blog underway and a new website almost up and running. I can no longer just sit back and say I don't know how to get things I want done, started. I have to just do it. So I did it. And I can't wait to see where this takes me.

So here's to new beginnings, adventures, and endeavors.....

What are you surviving?