Two Years: A Reflection

March 13, 2020. It's been 2 years. 2 years since the world shut down. And what a 2 years it has been.

2 years ago Matthew was 5 and Ryan was just a few weeks shy of two years old. I was still in the beginning stages of healing from all of my cancer treatments and the outside world was pretty scary. Being that I was battling an aggressive breast cancer, I was already used to handwashing and trying to keep germ free but this... this was a whole new level. But it wasn't hard for us to adapt as we were used to a lot of this secluded lifestyle already. Ryan was so young, what did he really know anyways? And for Matthew, he was just fine... he's a pretty flexible, easy going, go with the flow type of kid anyways so it wasn't all that hard for him either.

Looking back to when the pandemic first started and we were all home together, it was actually kind of nice. I think this time allowed us the opportunity to connect and grow as a family even more than we ever could have imagined. Jason and I ( well I mostly, and Jason helped execute lol) planned so many fun things for our kids. Pinterest was definitely a go to for me for activity ideas, but together we were able to keep these kids busy, active and engaged and (for the most part, haha) we all enjoyed being together. From movement activities and games on the driveway, to building and creating things indoors, to backyard days as the weather got warmer, to "Backyard Summer Camp" for us in our own backyard, to bbqs and firepit nights, to slowly opening up a bit and seeing family, to birthday car parades and everything else we all did, it really wasn't all that bad for us. And for what it's worth, for me - it felt like I got some time back. Time that I missed out on while I slept in bed for days after my chemo treatments for almost 5 months, time that I lost while recovering from surgeries where I had body parts removed, time that was taken from me from not being able to run around with my children after 28 radiation treatments because I was covered in burns on my chest and neck and was extremely uncomfortable. I got time back. And to me, as long as we were healthy and safe, we were fine.

In my house, we took this pandemic very seriously. From the moment it first started until now even 2 years later... we've always adhered by guidelines and restrictions and we did what we thought was best for our family. In our family we believe in science and in our family we listen to our doctors and medical professionals... especially those medical professionals who helped to save my life. If these doctors were able to put my stage 3 breast cancer into remission, then I will listen to whatever they tell me to do.. or not to do. Under their recommendations, what was best for my family was to isolate, to wear our Kn95 masks if we had to go out, but to really limit or not have any gatherings. I was and still am considered, immunocompromised. We have family members who are immunocompromised as well. So we all listened to whatever we needed to do to keep our family healthy. We weren't scared into anything. We weren't brainwashed into anything. We were cautious and made decisions by thinking things through and weighing our options and really discussing anything and everything that came about. Because not only did whatever we decide to do have possible negative implications on our immediate family, but other family members that we wanted to be able to still see. We did what was best for our family. And you know what? It worked. Because, and I'm knocking on wood right now, but we are a covid free home. We've managed, thus far, to conquer our ultimate goal - to keep ourselves and our children covid free. And we pride ourselves in our household for doing so. We don't know how anyone of us would have faired with getting any of the strains of covid and we didn't want to take any chances. I am proud of us.

We learned that everyone had to and still has to do what is best for their families, and that is totally fine. But we began experiencing some backlash from those who did not agree with us and for the degree to how careful we still wanted to be. In this house we've always said, to each their own and we've also always prided ourselves in understanding how other people chose to handle certain situations regarding this pandemic. Our mindset was always to weigh each situation presented to us and decide if it was worth it to take the risks. Some situations were okay, with a mask. Some situations were not okay even with a mask because we knew that others that might be with us were not as careful as us, which is totally okay for them, but were with too many people before us for our own comfort or still traveling to other states and flying on planes. We took those who traveled into consideration too. We were okay with saying no to something due to everything involved. We knew everyone was doing whatever was best for them. We became okay in many outdoor situations, even with many people around as long as there was space, but it took us a very long time to be able to go indoors. We are still hesitant with indoors but we are getting better. Ryan is still not vaccinated because of his age so we are still very mindful of what we do so that we don't jeopardize him.

Through my own experiences, I have learned that when someone is faced with a traumatic event, the trauma can end up actually reshaping the brain! And the brain can then end up signaling that the world is unsafe so we actually view anything and everything in the world as unsafe. We become what is called hypervigilant. So take a person who has already experienced a trauma in a fairly safe world but views the world as unsafe, and now put them into an unsafe world with a pandemic where you could potentially be harmed by stepping outside, can you imagine the heightened anxious state that this person could always be in? Well, that person was me. And it's taken A LOT of work, as those involved in the mental health world call it, to "retrain a brain" or my brain, to be able to really take each situation and say, is it really unsafe? Each time I am presented with a situation or opportunity and I feel a slight bit anxious about it, I have to say that to myself... "Is it it really unsafe?" And if it is a little unsafe, what can I do to participate and feel safe or do I not go. And I am totally okay with doing that. I am not upset if I decide not to do something and I don't take offense to others deciding to do something without me if I don't feel comfortable. But I am EXTREMELY thankful and grateful for those who have stayed and continue to stay by my side and our family's side as we make these decisions and slowly make our way out of our bubble world. And we appreciate the patience and understanding that has been shown to us.

These past 2 years have been quite a lot and there's still so much going on in the world today, especially across seas right now. So here where we are, we continue to do everything we can to keep our families safe and healthy. Safe and healthy are the two most important words. Past that, everything else to us seems pretty minuscule.